Humor: Doggone it, mass marriage just plain wrong

By SCOTT HOLLIFIELD
Media General News Service
Published: September 11, 2008

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It’s time some courageous person exposes the global epidemic of mass dog weddings.
I’m waiting.
I’m still waiting.
All right, I’ll do it.
Around the world, hundreds if not thousands of dogs, our beloved, furry companions who ask for little more than a can of congealed beef byproducts and an occasional belly scratch, are being forced into marriage in ceremonies resembling some kind of ancient, ritualistic hootenanny—laughing, singing, dancing, the chasing of Frisbees.
I learned of this canine nuptial conspiracy from a reader, who we’ll call “Kevin” (though his real name is Steve). “Kevin” (or Steve) sent me a story from the Indo-Asian News Service (IANS) headlined “Bow Wows And Wedding Vows At Unique Canine Wedding.“
Last month in New Delhi, according to the story, more than 500 pet owners signed on to have their canines married in a mass ceremony at the Ansal Plaza business center. Organizers culled the list to 100, and then proceeded to hitch scores of Fifis to Fidos while the wedding band pounded out Bollywood music and guests showered the four-legged couples with rose petals.
“We are here to find a perfect bride for our dog Jingo, a poodle who has been alone for a while now,“ said one owner.
Marriage, of course, is usually a sacred bond between a man and a woman. Or, in some more enlightened locales, any various combination of the two. Or, among certain religious sects, an old man and 12 teenage girls. Or, in my neck of the woods, two consenting cousins.
Since the headline referred to the event as “unique,“ I figured the mass dog wedding posed no threat to what one of my thrice-divorced acquaintance calls “the sanctity of marriage.“
Boy, was I wrong.
Seems you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a mass dog wedding or the festive dead-cat swinging that follows during the mass dog wedding reception. (Note: No instances of dead-cat swinging have been reported and Scott in no way advocates the swinging of cats, dead or alive. He was simply using hyperbole to make a point or, as many readers say, be a real smart ***).
According to my Internet sources (Google), the town of Oak Park, Ill. has scheduled a mass dog wedding for Nov. 8 in an effort to claim the Guinness World Record for dog weddings, currently held by Littleton, Colo. where 178 canine couples tied the knot in May 2007.
If you think I’m kidding, you’re barking up the wrong tree.
In Southern California freelance writer Sandy Robins’ article headlined “Dog Weddings On The Rise,“ she cautions owners searching for that perfect wedding gown that “dress design can often look different when created horizontally to fit a dog.“
Robins quotes one expert who says, “Poodles can wear lots of layers and look wonderful, especially from behind.“
And what do dogs have to say about these marriages? We don’t know because dogs can’t talk, except for Scooby-Doo, who released a statement through his longtime companion Shaggy that mass, forced dog marriages are wrong. And Scooby also requested a very, very tall sandwich.
Look, folks, dogs are our friends, our loyal companions. Is it morally right to stuff them into tiny tuxedos, drag them into the town square and force them into Rev. Sun Myung Moon-style marriages with any layered poodle that looks “wonderful, especially from behind?“
Please, think of the puppies.
I could go on with my expose of the worldwide epidemic of mass dog weddings, but, alas, I am a busy man. My goat is going through a nasty divorce and we’ve got a deposition scheduled.