Humor: Frankfurter fear grips the nation

By SCOTT HOLLIFIELD
Media General News Service
Published: August 28, 2008

America, our God-given right to eat hot dogs without worry is under siege.

According to a story by The Associated Press, the source I turn to for breaking news about high-fat cylindrical meat-like substances, a group called The Cancer Project - which is in no way affiliated with late-‘70s rock group The Alan Parsons Project or my fourth-grade science fair entry, Scott’s Really Cool Spewing Volcano Project - is running a 33-second TV ad in several cities attacking hot dogs.

I could have written a scathing rebuke without actually seeing the commercial, but as one of the nation’s leading investigative wiener journalists I used all the resources at my command (Internet access) and watched the commercial on YouTube, followed by another six hours of highly entertaining videos featuring monkeys, drunken coeds, Japanese hardcore wrestling and David Allan Coe in concert.

The hot dog commercial was, by far, the most disturbing.

It shows delicious hot dogs served in a cafeteria setting. Then, a young boy in a school hallway says, “I was dumbfounded when the doctor told me I have late-stage colon cancer.“

The commercial is based on reports that processed foods high in nitrate-related substances can cause cancer in animals, though there’s no proof they do in people, according to the story by AP Medical Writer Lindsey Tanner, a colleague of mine in the field of wiener journalism.

The Hot Dog Council - and, yes, it’s a real council - said the tube steak hysteria is a bunch of baloney. The Baloney Council had no comment. (Note to Hot Dog Council - If you guys read this, I would consider it a privilege to be named an honorary member of your esteemed body and issued an ID card so the next time I duck under the yellow tape at a crime scene and the officer in charge tells me the press has to stay back a certain distance, I can whip out my wallet, flash my ID and say, “Hollifield. Hot Dog Council. And I relish my work.“)

Even Colleen Doyle, nutrition director for the National Cancer Society, said the anti-wiener ad is a tad alarmist.

“An occasional hot dog isn’t going to increase that risk,“ she told AP.

So, to counteract the frankfurter fear filling the airwaves, I’ve written this public service announcement, which the Hot Dog Council may use and air for a $750,000 fee, which barely covers my time and expenses. Here it is:

“Hi, I’m Scott Hollifield, one of the nation’s leading investigative wiener journalists. You may remember me from such hard-hitting exposes as “Oscar Mayer: Friend or Foe?“ and “Ballpark Franks: Why The Hell Do They Plump When You Cook Them?“

“Hot dogs are getting a bad rap lately, with extremist groups trying to link them to everything from horrible diseases to the failed Hillary Clinton presidential campaign. Do the left-wing, processed-meat-hating members of the media ever cover a positive hot dog story?

“No.

“But here’s one. It’s about an Average Joe named Scott, who was grilling juicy hot dogs outside his house one day. As they reached their most delectable state, one rolled from the grill due to its cylindrical shape and fell to the ground. A crestfallen Scott stooped to pick it up just as a sniper from an Al Qaeda sleeper cell fired a round, hoping to assassinate one of the leading investigative wiener journalists in the nation and bring America to its knees. Scott then used that wayward wiener to beat the would-be assassin to death, proving that, in certain circumstances, hot dogs are deadly. But only when handled by skilled professionals.“

So, America, enjoy your hot dogs in moderation. We only go around once in life, so I’ll have mine all the way (make it a no-fat soy dog, because that commercial with the creepy kids scared the %$@! out of me).

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or .