ROANOKE (WSLS 10) - Problems in a marriage are common but how you get through those issues makes a difference. In our marriage Mondays segment we take a look at the seasons of marriage and how you can get through year one or 20+ years.
"I'm hoping we will always be in the honeymoon phase," said Mandy Atkinson, who has been married to Myron for five years.
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"Too many young couples get married and think that loves going to carry them through and love will but there's also got to be an element of work and that commitment and learning," said Myron Atkinson.
"All couples go through stages that are very common to all of us," said David Mortellaro, the Associates in Brief Therapy clinical director who says there are predicable issues all couples face depending on the stage of marriage.
Years one to five are the newlywed stage.
"The passion continues after courtship. They don't have kids yet. Their career hasn't really taken off yet, it's not very demanding so they're really connecting. They have a lot of time together so that can be the best of times," said Mortellaro.
It can also be the worst of times. Challenges include poor communication skills or maturity level.
"If they get off onto a poor start they often determine or assume that this was a poor choice and so they'll divorce quickly. As a matter fact most divorces occur within the first five years of marriage," said Mortellaro.
The middle years are up next. Five to 20 years of marriage where sometimes it's hard to make time for each other.
"They're so busy with working, taking care of the kids, managing, that they just don't meet each other's emotional needs. They're not talking like they used to, they're not having recreational companionship, the physical intimacy is down so that can be a very stressful time," said Mortellaro.
"I think we do a good job making time for each other. We're both very busy. I'm a physician. My husband's a pastor so we have a lot of people pulling us in different directions but making time for each other, dating each other is very important. and I think we do that well," said Mandy Atkinson.
Twenty years or more of marriage the empty nest season sets in. For some it can be a second honeymoon.
"You have more time together because you're not focusing on the kids thing that could happen which is pretty common you have boomerang child so they return home they need help," said Mortellaro. "Really learn how to reconnect and start doing things together, recreational companionship, develop new hobbies together, travel together. All those things really helpful in dealing with that season."
"The honeymoon period that she talked about is still there. There's still those feelings that are deep within that come out and it helps as we are committed to one another and committed to keeping our vows and sticking with it," said Myron Atkinson.
More from Mortellaro:
Q: What challenges do the newly married couples face (1-5 years of marriage)?
A: According to research done by the Center for Marriage and family at Creighton University (2000) the top three issues for couples during the first five years of marriage are time, sex, and money. Most divorces occur during the first five years of marriage (Kreider, 2005), with the highest incidence of divorce coming in year three (Kurdek, 1999).
Why? The early years of marriage may require some radical personal adjustments. Young couples may not have the emotional maturity or coping skills to deal with the new stressors of marriage. They also may lack communication and negotiating skills that can resolve many of these issues. Other issues include parenting, religion differences, and conflict resolution. They may assume they made a poor choice of a partner and things will not get better, so they divorce quickly.
So what can you do when you experience these normal stresses of life in the newlywed lane?
· Gather with other newlyweds. You'll find you're not alone.
· Keep dating.
· Confide in other couples who have gone through the same stage of marriage. They can help you sort out what's normal and what is not.
· Take advantage of marriage education and enrichment opportunities (books, videos, programs).
· Seek professional help if an issue does not get resolved.
Q: What challenges do couples face in the middle years of marriage (5-20 years)?
A: The marriage satisfaction rate drops significantly for parents with young children. For some couples-the "sandwich" generation-find themselves taking care of children plus aging parents. Meanwhile, their marriage and personal needs may be pushed into the background. The demands of parenting, working, managing finances, and the household, can become so demanding that there is little time and energy as a couple for conversation, recreation on physical intimacy.
Couples without children may be dealing with the emotional duress that comes with the challenge of infertility. Also, they may be consumed with their career or extended family obligations which can cause their marriage to feel stale.
So what can a couple do to deal with these challenges?
· Prioritize quality time together: make date night a ritual.
· Learn communication/conflict resolution skills with educational materials (books, videos).
· Go away for a long weekend together 1-2 times a year.
· Attend a marriage seminar/retreat.
· Don't hesitate to seek professional help.
Q: What challenges do older couples face (20+ years)?
A: The "empty-nest" season can feel like a second honeymoon or bring new challenges:
· A boomerang adult child who needs their help.
· Caring for elderly parents.
· Personal health issues and gradual loss of abilities.
Couples need to re-negotiate their increased time together.
Here are some ways they can enrich their lives together as a couple:
· Attend a marriage enrichment program geared especially to older couples.
· Explore new hobbies and interests together.
· Volunteer with their church, community, or other good causes that would benefit from their experience
· Deepen their spirituality to help them deal with the losses and limitations of later life.
· Travel together.