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Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon joke about Greg Pence's no vote on solving Mike Pence's attempted murder

"Last night the House voted 252-175 to form a commission that would investigate the Jan. 6 Capitol riots," Jimmy Fallon said on Thursday's Tonight Show. "Not only did 175 Republicans vote against the commission, they also want to make Jan. 6 'Bring Your Insane Rioter to Work Day.'" The commission bill "now heads to the Senate, where it needs support of 10 Republicans," he said. "Come on, there's a better chance of 10 dentists supporting Mountain Dew Cake Smash." "Get this, Mike Pence's brother Greg Pence voted no," Fallon laughed. "People said, 'Don't you care that they tried to kill your brother?' And he was like 'No's before bros!' That will make for a fun family barbecue this summer: 'Mother, ask Judas how he wants his meat patty.'" The Late Show suggested this year's Pence Thanksgiving will be awkward, to the tune of Sister Sledge's "We Are Family." Apparently, "Republicans don't want to find out why they were almost murdered because it could hurt them politically," believing "a Jan. 6 probe could undercut their midterm message," Stephen Colbert sighed at The Late Show. Rep. Tim Ryan's (D-Ohio) explained his bafflement at this strategy on the House floor. "Wow, what an impassioned speech," Colbert marveled. "That guy should run for president." (The joke is, he just did.) "The new new thing in Washington now that's dividing Congress is the mask mandate in the House of Representatives — Democrats want it, so Republicans, naturally, don't," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "It look a while, but we finally found the one thing House Republicans aren't willing to cover up: their faces. And the main reason these masks are still needed, the only reason they need them on the floor of the House, is because less than half of House Republicans are vaccinated." He explained how certain unvaccinated people are total "freeloaders." Jeff Bezos is auctioning off a seat on his Blue Origin space tourism flight, and the current high bid is $2.8 million, Kimmel said. "Who has $2.8 million and might need to get off the planet fast?" Maybe the rich guy in deepening legal peril. Donald Trump will "finally get to meet all the illegal aliens he's been screaming about," he joked. The former president's former lawyer suggested he'll feed his kids to the wolves to save his own skin, Kimmel said. "The saddest part is going to be when Trump forgets to pin a crime on Tiffany." More stories from theweek.comAngelina Jolie stands perfectly still, unshowered, covered in bees for World Bee DayWhat the left gets wrong about the Israel-Palestine conflictTexas executes Quintin Jones for 1999 murder, says it forgot to let the media witness execution

Late night hosts doubt the CDC's mask-vaccination honor system is workable, believe UFOs are real

"Last week, the CDC officially announced that aside from a few exceptions, people who have gotten the COVID vaccine no longer need to wear masks to stay safe," Trevor Noah said on Monday's Daily Show. "But now, some people are telling the CDC to slow their roll," worried it's too soon to unmask, especially with no way to tell who is vaccinated. The honor system is not a workable solution, Noah said. "I mean, have you ever seen the 10 Items or Less line?" In reality, "lots of unvaccinated people won't be wearing masks," while, "a lot of vaccinated people who don't need to wear a mask anymore are gonna keep doing it anyway," he said. "In fact, it kind of warms my heart a little bit to think that somewhere, a liberal who's wearing a mask even though he's vaccinated will run into a conservative wearing a mask to protect himself from vaccines, and the two of them will look at each other and think, 'Yeah, this guy gets it.'" "For the new guidelines to work, the CDC is asking Americans to be honest about their vaccination status," Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. "Really? People can't even tell the truth on their Tinder profiles." In a boring new New York Times exposé, President Biden's advisers say he's "obsessed with details, asks many questions, and displays unexpected warmth," Fallon said. "The report also says that Biden's drink of choice is Orange Gatorade. Is it? Or is it just water with Metamucil?" He also had fun with Biden's unearthed Venmo history. Biden apparently used his since-deleted Venmo account to send money to his granddaughters, Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "It's just weird to hear about a politician using Venmo to pay teenagers for something other than sex, isn't it?" Kimmel also lingered on a new 60 Minutes report on UFOs. "The government calls them Unidentified Aerial Phenomena, UAP — just like the Cardi B song — and they've known about this for a couple years but they waited until now to talk about it," he said. "I feel like if this story had been on 60 Minutes in, like, 1988, it would be the only thing we talk about for the next 30 years," but after watching it, "you almost hope they're visitors from another planet, because if China has technology like this, we'd better learn to speak Mandarin like immediately." More stories from theweek.com7 scathingly funny cartoons about Liz Cheney's ousterBiden, harboring low expectations, wants Israel and Gaza to give 'calm' a chanceThe GOP's blatant disregard for democracy

Twitter Says It Blocked ‘Uncle Tim’ Trend after Tim Scott’s Speech

Twitter stepped in early Thursday morning to block the “Uncle Tim” label that began trending following Senator Tim Scott’s rebuttal to President Biden’s address to a Joint Session of Congress, a company spokesman told National Review. A Twitter spokesperson that the platform decided to block a trend calling black Republican Tim Scott, who gave the GOP , “Uncle Tim.” “This is in line with our policies on Trends, specifically: ‘We want Trends to promote healthy conversations on Twitter. This means that at times, we may not allow or may temporarily prevent content from appearing in Trends until more context is available. This includes Trends that violate The Twitter Rules,’” a Twitter spokesperson told National Review in an email. Scott called the trend “upsetting” and “so disappointing” on Thursday morning, saying that it shows the left “are literally attacking the color of my skin.” “You cannot step down out of your lane, according to the liberal elite left,” he continued. Twitter did not say when it made the decision to block the trend, which numerous commentators made note of late Wednesday and early Thursday. Tim Scott: Progressives make race-based attacks on me because they don’t like my politics Progressive Twitter: Let’s go out and prove it — Rich Lowry (@RichLowry) April 29, 2021 Twitter is choosing to trend a racist attack from the left on Sen. Tim Scott, the black Republican senator from South Carolina. — Mollie (@MZHemingway) April 29, 2021 Sen. @votetimscott is an honorable man. He's fought for Black Americans his entire life. HBCU funding, Criminal Justice & Police Reform, School Choice & Opportunity Zones. Bigotry should always be denounced. Biden & Democrats should denounce the disgusting use of "Uncle Tim”! — PARIS (@PARISDENNARD) April 29, 2021 That this racist term trended during Sen. Tim Scott's speech is as revealing as it is repugnant, as is the large-scale liberal silence that Twitter promoted a racist attack. A world in which people of color are forced by racist insults to subscribe to one ideology is grotesque. — Glenn Greenwald (@ggreenwald) April 29, 2021 While the platform did not specify which rules the trend broke, Twitter’s policy on “Hateful Conduct” prohibits “repeated and/or non-consensual slurs, epithets, racist and sexist tropes, or other content that degrades someone.” Scott said Wednesday night during his response to Biden’s address that he has “experienced the pain of discrimination” and “a different kind of intolerance.” “I get called ‘Uncle Tom’ and the n-word by progressives, by liberals,” he said. “Just last week, a national newspaper suggested my family’s poverty was actually privilege because a relative owned land generations before my time,” referencing a Washington Post “fact check” of his family history. But Scott also stated that “we’ve made tremendous progress” and that “America is not a racist country.” “It’s backwards to fight discrimination with different types of discrimination. And it’s wrong to try to use our painful past to dishonestly shut down debates in the present,” he argued.

Jimmy Kimmel gently tells MyPillow's Mike Lindell he thinks Lindell's old crack habit made him paranoid

"In our nation's long and storied history, only one pillow salesman has ever been called to the Oval Office because the president was unhappy with his election results," Jimmy Kimmel said on Wednesday's Kimmel Live. "Our next guest is that pillow man." The original proposal was for Kimmel to interview MyPillow founder and election conspiracist Mike Lindell in a bed, and Kimmel apologized. "I'm sorry about that, the COVID people said no," he told Lindell. "I know, you've got rules here in California," Lindell said, adding that he has not been vaccinated. Kimmel said he found eerie parallels between Lindell's recovery from a vicious crack addition and Hunter Biden's, and Lindell did not disagree, mentioning paranoia. "That's what I want to talk to you about, the paranoia," Kimmel said. "You've been in hiding, is that correct?" "Yeah, but not because of paranoia," Lindell said. "Well, how do you know?" Kimmel asked, and Lindell laughed. Kimmel said both he and Lindell were urged not to do this interview, "but I think it's important that we talk to each other," he said. "I also, you know I don't think there's any validity to any of this stuff that you're saying, and I've studied you, I really have." Lindell talked about evidence he claims to have gotten showing the 2020 election was hacked by China, and after a while Kimmel stopped him. "I believe that you are sincere," he said. "I also think there's something going on from the crack or something that has, you know, whatever, that has made you think that — I mean, you mentioned paranoia." Lindell insisted he has the goods. "I have it, it's real, so people can say, 'Oh, you're an ex-crack addict so your brain's not right.' You know what, they can say all they want. It's gonna come out, I keep putting the evidence out, it's gonna come out." Lindell sounded excited about the GOP recount in Arizona's Maricopa County, Kimmel called that "a ridiculous operation," they discussed Lindell's interactions with former President Donald Trump, and before things got too tense, Kimmel's Mike Lindell impersonator (James Adomian) broke in and made everyone laugh. Watch below. More stories from theweek.comRepublicans reveal their red line5 scorchingly funny cartoons about Fox News' meat hysteriaLumber is shockingly expensive. Thanks, Obama.